Looking for senselessness

I have come off the high of confrontation and now I am attempting to move back into my normal patterns or abnormal patterns would be more like it. At any rate the past two days have been most interesting. I had to republish this entire blog to erase the deflamatory comments left by one misguided soul. I still think one of my friends saw what she posted though.

I did not think there were rules to this. I thought this cyberspace was free to us all to release ourselves of the statements we hold hostage. The most important thing should not be who reads it and whether they like it, but it should be getting it out. No statement can be heard without it being said. We will work on understanding it once its born. Even the process of deciphering the message can be used to bring people closer together. It creates dialogue. And doesn't dialogue create understanding? Understanding creates tolerance. Tolerance breeds acceptance and acceptance is peace.

What I said about not wanting to be like the adults was simply in reference to all the bickering. I have seen enough of that in 24 years to last me a life time. If all you can do is insult me then I really don't have time for you. We can discuss what you don't like about me or what you think I did to you. Allow both parties to bring their point of views to the table and the circumstances which reenforces them but do not sink so low as to point and go 'nah nah ni nah na'.

By far I do not want to seem like a saint, I am far from it. Right now I am having major issues with the fact that I know a friend who I do care for deeply, read on these sites some things I wrote about her religion. If nothing else that would qualify as deceitful. Which was not my intent. My intent was to get the issues that I was having accepting her belief foundation out of my system without going to her and seeming as though I was questoning her specifically. I knew she would see it ebentually and I think thats a good thing. But I wanted her only to see my remarks not those of outsiders criticizing her, she gets enough of that as is. My hope was that one day we could sit and go over all the things here on her terms. I say on her terms because she gets defensive if you bring things to her. I am a fairly patient person so I can wait for the conversation to simply arise.

I know in my notes I define the difference between honest and truthful and right now I am not being honest. But how can you be honest with someone who expends so much energy in hiding from the truth. She can hate me if she chooses, that's nothing new. I have made people hate me before for a lot less. As long as it poses the question 'This is where I am and this is what got me here. Am I happy about this?' I can't lie to myself about that question. There is no way to do so. When you try to fool yourself into thinking you are really happy thats when you get that slight pang in your chest of dry air. It's inescapable.

Changing your lifestyle or way of thinking can be the hardest change to make because it causes you to examine not only yourself but those around you. Everything has to go under a microscope even the one thing you thought you knew for certain. We are slaves to our mentality. So something or someone has to come along to pull us out of that mindframe for at least a second. Otherwise we would not ever see anything beyond what we have accepted. I wouldn't be able to say it had I not been thru it.

I believe everyone deserves to be happy. Even when their happiness impedes on my personal comfort or warrants me expendable from their circle. I can deal with that, its not about me (as much as I would like everything to be :-) It's about a common goal within all of us: to survive in this world and to do so under the best physical, mental and emotional conditions. Am I being presumptuous? Of course!

As for the 'haters' I find them flattering. I learned the hard way that I can not please everybody. I don't write about things that already make sense, that would be redundant. Redudancy can not be original and original is all I know how to be.